How To Have Quality Family Time with Your Teenagers

As a therapist in a family-oriented private practice, I often hear parents say that they try to initiate quality time with their teenage sons or daughters or they try to have a Family Day and it doesn’t go well at all.

They report that their teenagers are usually resistant from the get-go and if they do participate, they act completely miserable or indifferent during the time together.

I typically give parents the following tips to create a fun family day or just some quality one-on-one time with their teenager.

1. Start small. Don’t try to spend the whole day together at first or even an entire afternoon. Start with an hour and sometimes even 30 minutes can be impactful. Teenagers typically prioritize their friends first. This is developmentally appropriate and not at all personal. With teenagers, it’s about spending quality time, not quantity.

2. Tell your son or daughter that you’d like to spend some time together and get their input on when might be a good time. Teenagers often formulate plans in their head or at the last minute and you may not be aware of them. Do not schedule for them; that creates resistance immediately.

3. If you set a day/time, stick to it. It’s important that you keep your word because it shows teens that you are trustworthy and serious about your intention to spend quality time with them.

4. Solicit their feedback on a new activity to try together or suggest something you know they like to do (i.e. go hiking or go to the local coffee shop). Try to allow for variety between paid and free/cheap activities. Unfortunately, many activities these days have a cost.

5. If you’re planning a family day, again start small, maybe just a few hours and solicit feedback from everyone on the idea. If no one can decide on an activity, put a few new ideas in a bowl and pull one out.

6. Keep the time to family only. This is not the time for boyfriends, BFFs, or the neighbor to tag along.

7. Ask open-ended questions about your teenager’s life. Do not drill him/her with questions, particularly about sensitive subjects. This is not the time for a lecture on his/her D in Geometry or those unfinished college apps. Also, don’t dig too deep in social matters. Let him/her share with you what they want. With time and trust, your teenagers will likely share more.

8. If it’s a short activity, ask everyone to leave their phone at home or in the car at the venue. Encourage them to tell friends that they’ll be away for a bit, but will reconnect later in the day. If it’s a true family day, allow your teenagers to have their phones but only allow use at “breaks.”

9. Praise your teen at some point—something big or small; just be positive and take this time to show your teen that you notice the good things that he/she does.

10. Show your teen that you do indeed have a sense of humor and laugh together. Teens love to get a good chuckle at their parent’s expense. Laughter is actually one of the best ways to build your relationship with your teen, and it feels so good!