How to Handle Your Child’s Limit-Testing

But My Child Used To Be So Sweet…How to Handle Your Child’s Limit-Testing

Remember the days when you child came running to give you a hug or a kiss and was eager to please you. Maybe your child has started elementary school and has gotten a little more headstrong, let’s say. Some may even use the word defiant. She won’t wear those shoes this morning or he doesn’t want to brush his teeth every morning.

Yep, your little one has gotten a mind of his or her own and may be starting to test your limits. Of course, this is developmentally appropriate, but boy does it get the morning off to a rough start!

Here are 5 ways to survive your child’s limit testing behaviors and maintain your cool.

1. Don’t lose control You are the adult and need to set the tone. If you lose control or look as if you’re out of control (i.e, yelling, bulging eyes, pacing, heavy breathing, etc.), your child will see this or sense this. Children don’t feel safe when their adults are not in control. You child may experience increased frustration, anger, or anxiety and the situation can escalate with even more negative behaviors. On the other hand, if you react in a calm manner, your child is much more likely to respond positively.

2. Don’t lose focus on who is responsible As the parent, you are ultimately responsible for helping your child in these moments. She or her may not have the skills yet and needs your guidance. As mentioned, being calm and in control helps significantly. You may need to get down on his/her level (eye-level) and repeat your directive in a slow, calm manner. You may also need to provide some “hurdle help.” This is where you walk with your child to the location of the task and get him/her started. Often times, this is helpful because it makes your child feel supported and also lets him/her know that you expect them to complete it.

3. Pay attention to the positive If your child starts to brush his teeth after you supplied “hurdle help” by walking with him to the bathroom, it’s helpful to give praise before walking away. Now, maybe he did have a tantrum about brushing his teeth in the first place or maybe he didn’t do it as well as you’d like on this morning, but he DID complete the task. Praise that! Sometimes, it’s a matter of paying attention to the positives and/or recognizing small improvements. Maybe he brushed his teeth with less defiance today or maybe you were calmer and didn’t lose control today. Both are improvements! Paying attention to the positives will enable you, as the parent, to better handle defiance and not get overly frustrated with your child.

4. Don’t assume the worst When your child is not following directions, don’t assume the worst. Your son is not trying to ruin your day. Your daughter is not trying to make you look like a bad parent with her interesting choice of outfit. Generally, when children test limits, they are trying to exert some control, figure out the boundaries, maybe even express their likes/dislikes, but they are not aware of this and not intentionally trying to bother you. Do your best to remember that it is developmentally appropriate to test the limits and does not mean that you are failing as a parent or that something is wrong with your child. It’s just part of growing up!

5. Set limits for your defiant child With all of that said, children do need limits. They feel safer when adults are in control and part of that means having limits for your child. Setting limits helps children to know that there is acceptable and unacceptable behavior and that consequences will occur if they display unacceptable behavior. Of course, the consequence needs to be appropriate for the misbehavior, but enforcing a consequence typically ends the tantrum and works to manage defiant behavior in older children. Depending on the severity and frequency, it may take several times of enforcing consequences after unacceptable behavior to eventually curb it, but consistency is key and is generally effective in the long-term.

Children test limits in different ways as they age, but parents who remain calm, consistent, and encouraging will have greater success in managing behaviors and better relationships with their kids.